レオンのこと About Leon

1月1日　15時50分　レオンが静かに息を引き取りました。

Leon quietly stopped breathing on January 1st at 3:50 pm.

去年の春頃から頻繁に発作を起こし、脳腫瘍が疑われていました。
確定診断をとるにはMRIを受ける必要があったのですが
・全身麻酔に耐えられない可能性
・仮に脳腫瘍が判明しても治療は難しい
なので積極的な治療はせずに　なにか症状が出た場合その都度対処療法としました。

He’d been having frequent seizures since last spring, and I suspected a brain tumor.

We had to take an MRI to check, but

1)     He might not be able to take full-body anesthesia

2)     Even if we found a tumor, we wouldn’t be able to treat it well

Therefore I decided to try and treat it on a case-by-case basis instead of active treatment.

11月に入り寒くなってくると発作と共に痙攣も起こすように…。それでもゴハンは残さずに毎回完食でした。痙攣のたびに発する奇声（？）に戸惑いながらもどうしてあげることもできないことが本当に悔しく情けなかった。
痛みや苦しみがあるなら楽にしてあげることも選択肢なのかと思い先生に相談するも「痛みや苦しみからのものではなく、脳がショートしていることからくるものだから痛みなどは感じていない」との事。実際、ゴハンは食べていたので引き続き様子を見ることに。

When November came around and it started getting colder, he started having spasms on top of seizures. However, he was still eating every last kibble at each meal. It hurt me so much that there was nothing I could do for him each time he started having spasms, confused by the odd noises he made.

I asked the doctor if we should just let him rest in peace since there’s nothing I could do to ease the pain and suffering, but the doctor said that Leon’s actually not in any pain; the brain is essentially short-circuiting, so he doesn’t feel anything. I decided to wait and see it out since he’s eating properly.

12月に入ってゴハンを残す日が増えてきました。
「食べたいものを食べたいだけ」と思い食べやすそうなもの（小粒でふやかしてもベタベタしないものがお気に入り）を何種類かローテーションであげていたのですが、口がうまく開けられなかったり口角からポロポロ落ちてしまったり…
ペーストにしてシリンジに入れれば食べやすいかと思ったのですが、これはガンとして拒否されました。誤嚥をされても怖いしレオンの意思を尊重したかったので無理強いはしませんでした。

December came, and he started leaving some food.

I wondered if he was just deciding to eat only what he wanted to, so I tried several different types of food (he likes small kibbles that are a bit moist but not sticky) in rotation. In the end, though, he stopped opening his mouth or letting it fall through the corners of his mouth…

そしてクリスマスも近い22日、おむつ交換のために抱き上げると明らかに体温が低い。
午後の受付にはまだ時間があったのですがすぐに病院へ。向かう車の中で痙攣を起こし時間外でしたが緊急で診てもらいました。
体温計で計測できないほど下がっていました。シャワーのお湯を当てながら様々な処置がされていきます。32.3度　33.5　33.8　34.4　34.8　35.3　………
35度台をキープできるようになったところで酸素室へ
血液検査の結果を見せてもらうと
・CPK 736U/L （基準値39〜159）
・CRP 6.5mg/ml （基準値0.7以下）
・WBC 31390個/μl (基準値6500〜13500）
CPKが736なんて…脳の損傷から来てるの？頑張らせていいのかな…

Close to Christmas on the 22^nd, I realized that his body temperature was very low when I picked him up to change his diaper. I immediately took him to the vet since their afternoon reception was still open. In the car ride over he started having spasms and had them take him into the emergency care, even though it was outside the normal time.

His temperature was so low that it wouldn’t register on the thermometer. They tried a variety of tactics while lightly bathing him in warm water. 32.3 degrees to 33.5, to 33.8, to 34.4, to 34.8, to 35.3…

They put him in the oxygen room when he was able to maintain the 35 degree level.

According to his blood test:

・CPK 736U/L （Standard is 39-159）
・CRP 6.5mg/ml （Standard is below 0.7）
・WBC 31390 per μl (Standard is 6500〜13500）

3日後　ゴハンを食べるようになったので犬舎に移動（体温はまだ36度台）

3 days later he started being able to eat again and they moved him to the kennel (his temperature was still at 36 degree levels).

毎日面会に行くけど動いているところを見たことがない。本当にゴハン自分で食べてるの？これって傾眠なのかな？

I went to see him every day, but I never saw him moving. Is he really eating by himself? Is this fatigue?

28日に退院の連絡が入る。
退院の際の先生の話では「何が起きたのかは不明。治って退院になるわけじゃないけどゴハンを自分で食べられて安定しているから」とのこと。実は退院の連絡を受けた時に一番最初に考えたのは、「病院も休みになってしまうし誰もいない時に逝ってしまうかもしれないから家で見てあげたほうかいい」ということなのかと思ったのです。それを伝えると「そこまで切羽詰ってないよ。体温は低いけど36度台キープで良しとしていいんじゃないか」との返事でした。
脱水防止の意味で100ml/日の補液を指示され、念のため病院で食べていたフードも買って帰宅。帰ってから早速ゴハンをあげてみる。確かに食べるんだけど私の中で何かが引っかかる。なんだろ……

On the 28^th I get a call that he’s ready to be discharged.

The doctor told me this: “I don’t know what might happen. We’re not discharging him because we were able to cure him, but since he’s eating by himself, we decided he’s in a stable enough condition.” To be honest, when I was contacted, the first thought that came to mind was “The vet is going to be closed, and nobody will be there in case he passes away, so they’re probably thinking it’d be better for me to watch over him at home.” When I mentioned this, they told me that we’re not that far along yet, that his temperature is low, but it’s still okay since he’s maintaining 36 degree levels.

I was instructed to give him 100 ml of supplemental fluids a day to prevent dehydration, and I also bought the food he was eating at the vet. As soon as I got home I tried giving him some food. He’s certainly eating, but it’s almost like something is holding him back…but what…?

体温も徐々にあがって一時は37.7までもどりました。

His temperature increased bit by bit, and even made it to 37.7.

でもゴハンをまったく食べなくなり、一度強制給餌を試すも舌で押し戻して食べようとしません。

However, he stopped eating altogether, and even when I tried force-feeding him once, he pushed it back out with his tongue and refused to eat.

31日。除夜の鐘を遠くに聞きながらおむつ交換と検温。体温下がってる。明日もっと下がるようなら病院に連絡した方がいいのかなぁ。でも元旦だし。レオンの寝顔を見ながらまた迷う。

December 31^st. As I listen to the bells ringing in the new year from afar, I change his diaper and check his temperature. It’s gone down. If it seems to have gone down even more tomorrow, I might need to contact the vet. But it’ll be New Year’s Morning, so the office could be closed. I watch his sleeping face, contemplating, confused.

そして元旦
朝の検温でまた下がった。ゴハンも食べない。参ったなぁ　連絡入れるか？でも元旦だよ
午後、おむつ交換で抱き上げると明らかに体温が低い。まずい‼︎抱きかかえたままバケツにお湯を張りレオンを入れようとして呼吸をしていないことに気がついた。慌てて心臓マッサージをはじめたがふと、「逝かせてあげたほうが良いんじゃないか」「これ以上頑張らせるのは酷なんじゃないか」との考えが浮かんだ。本当は先月体温が下がった時に逝かせてあげるべきだったんじゃないのか

New Year’s Morning.

His temperature’s gone down again as of the morning. He won’t eat. We’re in a real hard spot. Should I contact the vet? But it’s New Year’s Morning. His body temperature is clearly low when I change his diaper in the afternoon. No!! I fill a bucket with warm water as I hold him, and as I lower him in, I realize he isn’t breathing. I tried giving him a cardiac massage, but then, a voice says, “Maybe you should just let him go. It’d be cruel to make him suffer any more.” Maybe I should have let him go when I noticed his low temperature last month.

そっとレオンを抱きしめ旅立たせることにしました。
その1時間後、苦しむことなく眠るように息を引き取りました。

I let him go as I hold him softly.

One hour later, he stopped breathing in his sleep, in no pain.

入院した22日を境にレオンはこちら側とあちら側を行ったり来たりしていたのかもしれません。身体がその働きを止める方向に向かっていたのでしょう。
別れはいつだってつらいし寂しい。でもレオンが苦しまなかったこと、最期の時に一緒にいられた事がせめてもの救いです。

Leon might have been going here and there and all over since he was hospitalized on the 22^nd. I wonder if his body was working towards stopping those movements.
Separation is always and forever a lonely, painful experience, but it was a blessed relief that he passed on without suffering, that we were able to be together for his final moments.

2009年5月。「かむ」との理由で持ち込まれたレオン。しかも飼い主は自分で来ることなく便利屋に持ち込ませたのです。犬舎の中で丸くなっているレオンを見ていると咬む犬のようには思えなかったのですが、いやはや(´⊙ω⊙`)

May 2009. I had taken him in because he “bites.” His owners didn’t come here themselves, but had some handyman do it. Looking at him curled up in his kennel, it was impossible to imagine him as a biter, my God. (´⊙ω⊙`)

来たばかりの頃　パンパンに太っていてボンレスハム状態
When he first arrived, he was a chubby little boy, like a boneless ham    

レオンのウンチを拾おうとして「がぶっ」、グルーミング　特に顔を触られることが大嫌いで「がぶっ」　譲渡は早々に諦めましたよ(´༎ຶོρ༎ຶོ`)。無理強いせず、でもダメなことはダメと教えながら少しづつ距離を縮め「そういえば口が出なくなったね」となるまで3年。幸い他のワンコに攻撃することはなかったし喧嘩もなく多頭の中でも問題なく過ごしていました。甘えるのは上手じゃなかったね。抱っこしても迷惑そうな感じで「もういい？降ろしてくれる」

He tried snapping at me when I went to pick up his poop, and during grooming—he really hates having his face touched in particular—so I quickly gave up trying to find him a new home. (´༎ຶོρ༎ຶོ`) I was able to close some of the distance between us by reinforcing what’s bad without going too far, and 3 years later, I noticed he stopped snapping. Luckily he never attacked the other dogs, and he was able to live peacefully among the group of them without getting into fights. He just wasn’t too good at being babied. When I picked him up, he gave me a look like, “Are you done yet? Can you put me down now?”

ボクは一人が好き
I like being on my own

たくさんの思い出と傷跡（⁉︎）をありがとう
ゆっくりおやすみ

Thank you for all the memories and bites (!?)

Rest in peace.

レオンの火葬が終わり、月初めの仕事も終わりちょっとゆっくりできるかなと思っていたらまさかの風邪！
1週間も寝込むことになるとは(T ^ T)　おかしいな、あんなに毎晩アルコール消毒してたのに🤔まあインフルとかノロじゃなくてよかった…

As soon as I finished with Leon’s cremation, finished with my first bit of work of the month, and thought I could rest for a bit, of course I get a cold.

Just thinking about needing to stay in bed for a whole week… (T^T) It’s weird, though, I was really using a lot of sanitizer every night. Well at least it’s not the flu, stomach or otherwise.

そして、やっと動けるようになった16日、さらなる苦行に襲われようとは思っても見ませんでした

Then when I finally managed to move around again on the 16^th, I was hit with such a strong penance.

続きは明日（多分）

More on that tomorrow (maybe)

ぽちっと応援お願いします Every bit of support helps